That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
