I just saw a hot homeless man
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
