it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
