Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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