was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
