my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
