oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
