my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
