Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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