He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
