Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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