I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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