Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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