He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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