you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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