I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
my poor anus
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
