The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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