Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
