This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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