at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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