She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
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All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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