I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
