i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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