I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
