That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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