her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
