drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Acid is not a monday night drug
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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