I cockslap morals
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
