So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
