after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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