like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
