We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You are the jesus of drinking
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
