I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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