someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Can you bring me the toilet please
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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