I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
