Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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