Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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