when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
you will always have a special place in my vag
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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