that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
