And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
