i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
