you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
