i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
