me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
