when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
