Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
