I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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