Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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