Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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