nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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