im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
