somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
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