whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
