The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
please don't ironically join a cult
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