if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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