Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
