You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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