I need help removing her.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
